Tuesday, September 18, 2012

How depressing!

I attempted suicide when I was 15 years old.  Do I have your attention now?

Depression is a debilitating disease that sucks you in so deep that at times you can't even recognize yourself.  I spent most of my adolescent and young adult life struggling with my inner workings.  Wrapped in a cocoon of sadness and apathy.  I can completely understand how someone who hasn't witnessed or experienced depression first-hand can say, "Why didn't you just get over it?" or "Stop being overdramatic!"  But when you're in that moment of despair, when everything around you seems meaningless you are not concerned with other people.  Your thoughts are single-minded...MAKE IT STOP!  Please make all the pain go away.  Why can't I just be happy?  Why does everything need to be so hard? You become absorbed in your own perceived failings and overwhelmed at all the work that must be done to achieve any semblance of success.

But I write this post today for two reasons; first, to tell those who may be battling depression that there IS a light at the end of that tunnel even if it doesn't seem possible right now.  You hold on!  And second, to offer family and friends a little insight into the workings of depression and why this disease is so much more than about not being able to deal with life.  It's the overwhelming realization that you ARE living.

Perhaps that may be an odd statement to make...that the mere fact of being alive contributes to someone becoming depressed.  I am not an expert.  I have not studied psychology, sociology or any other kind of -ology pertaining to the mind.  But, my experiences and insights have provided me with a window into a deeper understanding of my spirituality.  And it is from that perspective in which I write this post.

For as long as I can recall there's been this resounding idea that there's so much more to living than day to day experiences.  That we focus on all that must be done in order to pay bills, take care of our family and provide shelter over our heads.  But when the time came for me to start focusing more on those aspects of life I found living more difficult.  It was inconsequential to me whether I cleaned my room or helped my parents with chores around the house.  How could that possibly be more important than nourishing that which fulfilled me on a spiritual level?  Like music, television shows, films, musicals or spending time with friends. At least, that's what I thought at the time.

All of the earthly responsibilities overwhelmed my yearning for something deeper, something more meaningful and something that actually had purpose.  I no longer consider myself a religious individual.  I don't practice any particular faith, but I do have a deep belief in those who seek to make the world better through civility, kindness, and open-minded perspectives.  For such a long time the world around me couldn't live up to the knowledge of a spiritual world.  Why would I want to live here when "eternal life" or a similar existence was possible and attainable?

I could not grasp hold of the idea that my goal was to make Heaven right here on Earth.  That through my actions, words and choices I was not only growing in my own spirituality but perhaps helping someone else as they struggled with theirs.  If I had succumbed to all the misery, sadness and unhappiness then there would've been so many missed experiences.  Like the marriages of my sisters and friends plus the birth of my niece and nephews.

When I finally realized that I need to find a balance between earthly activities that keep us progressing and a spirituality that needs to be consistently pampered then my life turned around.  But none of that would've been possible if I hadn't made a conscious choice to continue living.

If you or someone you know is battling depression and contemplating suicide, please do not hesitate in seeking help.  Visit the National Alliance on Mental Illness (http://www.nami.org/) for more information!


All the best,
Kelly