Friendship

I'm a horrible friend.  That's not a challenge or a call for compliments.  It's my own realization; one I had to come to in order to progress on an emotional and spiritual level.

When it comes right down to it I'm not the one you can count on in a pinch.  If I promise something I don't always deliver.  It's true.  Just ask my family and friends.  My own interests take priority sometimes.  Even as a child this was the case.  I remember distinctly the day when I chose watching my soap opera instead of paying attention to my friend.  That moment's ingrained in my memory.

Not to say I don't care about or support my friends; I do.  I go see dance recitals and theatre performances to cheer on my artistic friends.  Where there's an emergency or someone's truly struggling I'm there without hesitation or question.  Because those are the moments that matter.  I just don't always pay close enough attention to the little moments and how my inactions may reflect poorly on other's good opinion of me.

Sometimes, most times, I'm horrible at calling my friends back.  I hate the telephone; in pretty much every situation.  Really I do.  I'd much rather talk face to face or in the most desirable form of communication - written form.  There are some friends I haven't spoken with or seen in nearly a year primarily because I just don't call.  Why?  It's a cycle.  I don't call them back asap then the days turn to nights and before I know it a week's gone by.  Then I'm ashamed I haven't gotten back to them and am embarassed.  So I put off finding out whether or not they're annoyed with me.

I don't like to disappoint people; especially family and friends.  It ties me in knots just thinking that my actions may have caused hurt feelings in those I care about.  I wonder what they think of me.  Some, most, probably worry about me.  "Have you talked to Kelly lately?  I hope she's okay."

I've recently come to accept that we're defined by our actions.  I can be kind, speak politely and offer advice but when I don't follow through on what I say I'm going to do then that truly speaks volumes.

All the best,
Kelly