"So that a tragedy like this never happens again."
How many times have we heard this declaration? And yet tragedies continue. They will until we address the problem on a deeper level.
As much as I abhor guns and violence of any kind I can not pull all the blame on those issues. And trust me, I want to. Because that would make it easier. Would mean we'd have someone or something else to blame. We'd have an outlet to voice our concerns, frustrations, anger and deep sadness. But we'd be neglecting an even more important and critical part of the problems - our actions.
Choice. Every single moment of every single day we get to to choose. Whether the choice is what to wear that day or deciding to enact your rage with violence we still get to choose. And because we have that ability we also have the responsibility, to not only our community but ourselves, to make the choice that's rooted in unwavering love and respect.
You're in pain. You're angry. You're fed up with being mistreated. You're tired of being ignored. Fine, I get that. I can understand your pain. I hurt for you. But you still have a choice to make. AS someone who battled a form of mental illness I felt pain. I felt alone. I felt unheard. But I CHOOSE to channel those feelings through art. I took pencil to notebook and wrote feverishly of all that I couldn't vocalize. I listened to inspiring and motivating songs and sang along in my bedroom and with the windows down in my car. I found outlets that helped me express my issues in a constructive and creative manner.
We're all dealing with pain on some level. Sometimes it's so debilitating that you just want others to understand. Truly understand. But choosing to bring harm to another living being does irreparable damage to so many others, yourself included. You have a choice each and every moment. Choose respect for all living beings. Choose respect for yourself. Move us all forward instead of taking the choice away from us.
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
How depressing!
I attempted suicide when I was 15 years old. Do I have your attention now?
Depression is a debilitating disease that sucks you in so deep that at times you can't even recognize yourself. I spent most of my adolescent and young adult life struggling with my inner workings. Wrapped in a cocoon of sadness and apathy. I can completely understand how someone who hasn't witnessed or experienced depression first-hand can say, "Why didn't you just get over it?" or "Stop being overdramatic!" But when you're in that moment of despair, when everything around you seems meaningless you are not concerned with other people. Your thoughts are single-minded...MAKE IT STOP! Please make all the pain go away. Why can't I just be happy? Why does everything need to be so hard? You become absorbed in your own perceived failings and overwhelmed at all the work that must be done to achieve any semblance of success.
But I write this post today for two reasons; first, to tell those who may be battling depression that there IS a light at the end of that tunnel even if it doesn't seem possible right now. You hold on! And second, to offer family and friends a little insight into the workings of depression and why this disease is so much more than about not being able to deal with life. It's the overwhelming realization that you ARE living.
Perhaps that may be an odd statement to make...that the mere fact of being alive contributes to someone becoming depressed. I am not an expert. I have not studied psychology, sociology or any other kind of -ology pertaining to the mind. But, my experiences and insights have provided me with a window into a deeper understanding of my spirituality. And it is from that perspective in which I write this post.
For as long as I can recall there's been this resounding idea that there's so much more to living than day to day experiences. That we focus on all that must be done in order to pay bills, take care of our family and provide shelter over our heads. But when the time came for me to start focusing more on those aspects of life I found living more difficult. It was inconsequential to me whether I cleaned my room or helped my parents with chores around the house. How could that possibly be more important than nourishing that which fulfilled me on a spiritual level? Like music, television shows, films, musicals or spending time with friends. At least, that's what I thought at the time.
All of the earthly responsibilities overwhelmed my yearning for something deeper, something more meaningful and something that actually had purpose. I no longer consider myself a religious individual. I don't practice any particular faith, but I do have a deep belief in those who seek to make the world better through civility, kindness, and open-minded perspectives. For such a long time the world around me couldn't live up to the knowledge of a spiritual world. Why would I want to live here when "eternal life" or a similar existence was possible and attainable?
I could not grasp hold of the idea that my goal was to make Heaven right here on Earth. That through my actions, words and choices I was not only growing in my own spirituality but perhaps helping someone else as they struggled with theirs. If I had succumbed to all the misery, sadness and unhappiness then there would've been so many missed experiences. Like the marriages of my sisters and friends plus the birth of my niece and nephews.
When I finally realized that I need to find a balance between earthly activities that keep us progressing and a spirituality that needs to be consistently pampered then my life turned around. But none of that would've been possible if I hadn't made a conscious choice to continue living.
If you or someone you know is battling depression and contemplating suicide, please do not hesitate in seeking help. Visit the National Alliance on Mental Illness (http://www.nami.org/) for more information!
All the best,
Kelly
Depression is a debilitating disease that sucks you in so deep that at times you can't even recognize yourself. I spent most of my adolescent and young adult life struggling with my inner workings. Wrapped in a cocoon of sadness and apathy. I can completely understand how someone who hasn't witnessed or experienced depression first-hand can say, "Why didn't you just get over it?" or "Stop being overdramatic!" But when you're in that moment of despair, when everything around you seems meaningless you are not concerned with other people. Your thoughts are single-minded...MAKE IT STOP! Please make all the pain go away. Why can't I just be happy? Why does everything need to be so hard? You become absorbed in your own perceived failings and overwhelmed at all the work that must be done to achieve any semblance of success.
But I write this post today for two reasons; first, to tell those who may be battling depression that there IS a light at the end of that tunnel even if it doesn't seem possible right now. You hold on! And second, to offer family and friends a little insight into the workings of depression and why this disease is so much more than about not being able to deal with life. It's the overwhelming realization that you ARE living.
Perhaps that may be an odd statement to make...that the mere fact of being alive contributes to someone becoming depressed. I am not an expert. I have not studied psychology, sociology or any other kind of -ology pertaining to the mind. But, my experiences and insights have provided me with a window into a deeper understanding of my spirituality. And it is from that perspective in which I write this post.
For as long as I can recall there's been this resounding idea that there's so much more to living than day to day experiences. That we focus on all that must be done in order to pay bills, take care of our family and provide shelter over our heads. But when the time came for me to start focusing more on those aspects of life I found living more difficult. It was inconsequential to me whether I cleaned my room or helped my parents with chores around the house. How could that possibly be more important than nourishing that which fulfilled me on a spiritual level? Like music, television shows, films, musicals or spending time with friends. At least, that's what I thought at the time.
All of the earthly responsibilities overwhelmed my yearning for something deeper, something more meaningful and something that actually had purpose. I no longer consider myself a religious individual. I don't practice any particular faith, but I do have a deep belief in those who seek to make the world better through civility, kindness, and open-minded perspectives. For such a long time the world around me couldn't live up to the knowledge of a spiritual world. Why would I want to live here when "eternal life" or a similar existence was possible and attainable?
I could not grasp hold of the idea that my goal was to make Heaven right here on Earth. That through my actions, words and choices I was not only growing in my own spirituality but perhaps helping someone else as they struggled with theirs. If I had succumbed to all the misery, sadness and unhappiness then there would've been so many missed experiences. Like the marriages of my sisters and friends plus the birth of my niece and nephews.
When I finally realized that I need to find a balance between earthly activities that keep us progressing and a spirituality that needs to be consistently pampered then my life turned around. But none of that would've been possible if I hadn't made a conscious choice to continue living.
If you or someone you know is battling depression and contemplating suicide, please do not hesitate in seeking help. Visit the National Alliance on Mental Illness (http://www.nami.org/) for more information!
All the best,
Kelly
Sunday, April 24, 2011
Lightening my life
I've been thinking a lot about happiness. About what that truly means. How do I define joy and happiness in my life? There's this nagging disagreement within me that takes exception to the idea that one must endure grief, overcome difficulties and suffer pain in order to truly value life in all its glory.
And life is glorious indeed. At least, it should be. In my humble opinion. Why is it necessary to be miserable, grumpy and depressed in order to come out the other side a much thankful and joyous individual?
Have the difficulties I struggled with over the course of my life so far made me capable of reflecting upon these very issues? Or have I always had the capacity to do so? There's no way of knowing; of going back in time and predicting what my life would come to be. But I do know each choice in my life was a contributing factor to my own happiness level. I spent many years absorbed in misery, depression and malcontent. I desired so much for my life but didn't see a way to grab hold of it. To pursue my dreams of a fulfilling career, marriage based in respect and love, and a strong foundation of friends.
I kept wishing, wishing, wishing for more. For life to bestow something upon me. Instead of changing my mindset to recognize all that I already had. I chose the unhappiness because it was easier in many ways. Succumbing to the deep black hole of sadness that lived within my stomach was something I became accustomed to. I understood it. I embraced it. I kept it safe. I wrapped myself up in a cocoon, put on my headphones and sought help from a higher source. All the time whining about why my life was so hard. Why couldn't I get passed the misery, disappointment and cyclical ups and downs of life in order to be truly at peace and happy?
It took an unlikely situation of irrational fear for me to realize that I had a choice. A few years ago, after spending a year living on my own in a converted apartment I became afraid of turning on a light. No really. I did! After a minor electrical issue I was more comfortable keeping the lights turned off in my apartment. I was terrified of turning on the switch in the event that it would spark a fire. And so, I would stay out until it was time to go to bed, keep the lights off and curl up in my warm, comfy bed.
Needless to say, my unexplainable, frustrating, worrisome fear of electricity led to a family intervention of sorts. An in-depth discussion with my father, a reinforcing girl chat with my mother and sister, and a need to write out my frustrations were the catalysts to my realization that I was afraid of sparking the light in my own life. Afraid of actually achieving my dreams.
I could decide to live in regret, resentment and disappointment or treasure each moment. As I lay in my parent's bed staring at the ceiling my mother came in and simply said, "I'm really getting worried about you. This isn't right. You're lying here alone instead of sitting with your 3 year-old nephew and playing "Lite-Brights". Parden the pun, but a light bulb went off at that moment. I realized that my precious toddler age godson was living a life full of laughter, happiness and unconditional love while I sank deeper into my own self-inflicted depression.
Each day since I've made it a constant goal to be more aware of my life and how I perceive it. The world around me is a little brighter all because I make the choice to turn on the light!
All the best,
Kelly
And life is glorious indeed. At least, it should be. In my humble opinion. Why is it necessary to be miserable, grumpy and depressed in order to come out the other side a much thankful and joyous individual?
Have the difficulties I struggled with over the course of my life so far made me capable of reflecting upon these very issues? Or have I always had the capacity to do so? There's no way of knowing; of going back in time and predicting what my life would come to be. But I do know each choice in my life was a contributing factor to my own happiness level. I spent many years absorbed in misery, depression and malcontent. I desired so much for my life but didn't see a way to grab hold of it. To pursue my dreams of a fulfilling career, marriage based in respect and love, and a strong foundation of friends.
I kept wishing, wishing, wishing for more. For life to bestow something upon me. Instead of changing my mindset to recognize all that I already had. I chose the unhappiness because it was easier in many ways. Succumbing to the deep black hole of sadness that lived within my stomach was something I became accustomed to. I understood it. I embraced it. I kept it safe. I wrapped myself up in a cocoon, put on my headphones and sought help from a higher source. All the time whining about why my life was so hard. Why couldn't I get passed the misery, disappointment and cyclical ups and downs of life in order to be truly at peace and happy?
It took an unlikely situation of irrational fear for me to realize that I had a choice. A few years ago, after spending a year living on my own in a converted apartment I became afraid of turning on a light. No really. I did! After a minor electrical issue I was more comfortable keeping the lights turned off in my apartment. I was terrified of turning on the switch in the event that it would spark a fire. And so, I would stay out until it was time to go to bed, keep the lights off and curl up in my warm, comfy bed.
Needless to say, my unexplainable, frustrating, worrisome fear of electricity led to a family intervention of sorts. An in-depth discussion with my father, a reinforcing girl chat with my mother and sister, and a need to write out my frustrations were the catalysts to my realization that I was afraid of sparking the light in my own life. Afraid of actually achieving my dreams.
I could decide to live in regret, resentment and disappointment or treasure each moment. As I lay in my parent's bed staring at the ceiling my mother came in and simply said, "I'm really getting worried about you. This isn't right. You're lying here alone instead of sitting with your 3 year-old nephew and playing "Lite-Brights". Parden the pun, but a light bulb went off at that moment. I realized that my precious toddler age godson was living a life full of laughter, happiness and unconditional love while I sank deeper into my own self-inflicted depression.
Each day since I've made it a constant goal to be more aware of my life and how I perceive it. The world around me is a little brighter all because I make the choice to turn on the light!
All the best,
Kelly
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