The Choices We Make

To those that choose hate, I wish you love.

 

To those who choose anger, I wish you calm.

 

To those that choose retribution, I wish you find the healing power of forgiveness.

 

To those that choose violence, I wish you awareness of the damage it'll cause.

You have a choice.  We all do - each moment of every day.  Choose love for yourself and others.  Choose to find understanding in the midst of confusion.  Choose friendship in lieu of a solitary existence.  Choose progress instead of a stagnant life.  Choose hope instead of despair. Choose a non-violent response instead of harm to yourself or your fellow spirits.  Live a life full of unconditional love and understand that we all have a choice.

I seek answers to even the most difficult of questions.  Even though I'm disgusted and heart-broken when others cause unspeakable violence I choose to ask the why's and the how's. Why would anyone make such a deplorable and soul-damaging choice?  How can we move forward so that we overpower the hatred with unconditional love?

Call it religion.  Call it spirituality.  Call it naïve or weak.  Call my viewpoint what you will, but I will continue on making these choices. Because maybe, just maybe, someone finds comfort, inspiration or hope in what I write.

The "Magic" of Catholicism

I never thought religion to be a dirty word, but it has become such.  By the very people who claim to hold fast to its value.  They use it as a shield, as an excuse and even as a reason for their choices.  Good or bad, mind you. 

 I’ve spent many years on both sides of that coin.  Making what the general public would deem to be good choices due to what was expected/taught from the religious sect that I belonged to.  And also, struggling to do what I believe is right and just even though it veers from the teachings engrained in my being.

So, I distanced myself from the Catholic Church.  Not necessarily from Catholicism, but from the organization that enforces its rules.  Overall, there are so many aspects of this religion that I find inspiring, motivating and spirituality progressive.  However, it’s the key issues where we disagree and as such, I could no longer continue on that path.  In good conscience, that is.

My view of Catholicism may seem rather counterintuitive to their structure but it is nonetheless.  I loved the mysticism, the beauty, the magic of it all.  The idea that there were spiritual beings that could appear before you, unseen to anyone else.  That Jesus could perform miracles, angels could offer support and comfort, and saints could put in a good word for you.  I absorbed the idea of hope, of treating others with unconditional love and respect.  Of believing in the goodness of my neighbors and trusting that by believing strongly enough all would turn out right. 

I must stop here for a moment and state that I have NOT read the Bible in full.  I can’t quote chapters to support my statements or counter the church’s teachings with readings that they appear to twist to their own advantage.  This writing exercise is intended to express how Catholicism impacted (and continues to impact) my life today.  What I seek to impart is my own point of view because perhaps others may share it or find a new perspective on a long-held belief.

 

I went to Mass every week, said my prayers diligently, took all the applicable sacraments and embraced the title of “Catholic”.  I linked my faith with the choices I made, with the personality traits that I celebrated in myself.  Goodness, kindness, forgiveness and hope.  But there was always a disconnect between my faith and religion when it came to the strongest of my positive attributes – open-mindedness. 

Catholicism re-enforced the idea of unconditional love for all.  That love was more powerful than hate.  To not pass judgment on others.  To live life to the best of my ability and that those qualities that Jesus promoted would shine through me as an example.  But as I got into my young adult years I started to pay closer attention to what was being asked of me.  I admired, praised and worshipped the woman known as the “Blessed Mother”.  A woman depicted as kind, nurturing, supportive and full of forgiveness.  Her presence in the Catholic Church is everywhere.  She’s valued.  Given a prominent place of importance.  Yet I wondered why women were treated on such an inferior level as men.  To my recollection, and the teachings I can recall, Jesus respected and valued women.  He lifted them up instead of knocking them down.  So why not recognize the many gifts that the female sex has to offer in the development of your faith?

 

I’m not going to rant about the fact that women are not permitted to be priests or that reading options for Catholic wedding ceremonies are about cattle and belonging to a man.  Instead, I pose the following question…are your interpretations of the Bible stifling spiritual progression?  I am proud to be a woman of kindness, compassion, grace and hope.  I welcome those aspects of myself.  But at the same time I also have in-depth questions that need answered. 

 

I am a woman stuck between two worlds.  Between the idea of a pure, virginal, compassionate young lady and the one who experienced significant physical connections.  I struggled with what I considered to be angelic and pure with the physical needs that seemed natural.  I became incredibly embarrassed when members of the opposite sex showed any kind of interest in me.  I doubted my beauty.  I saw a young lady who was pretty but not gorgeous, angelic not sexy.  It plagued me to know the church only promoted one aspect of womanhood.  That we were to suppress those natural urges.  That being proud of your body, acknowledging the physical needs and expressing them were not only wrong but against Jesus’ teaching.

 

Those beliefs affected so much of my life and how I viewed myself.  I embraced the part of myself that’s entrenched in beauty, grace and compassion.  I didn’t doubt for a moment that those qualities are beneficial to the greater good, but when I started acknowledging the woman within my spirituality flourished in a way it never had before.  I felt connected to my body, my mind, my spirit.  Most importantly, I was connected to God on a deeper and more profound level.

I don’t intend to imply that young girls should start sleeping with everyone they come into contact with or act on all of their sexual urges.  Where we run into trouble is not acknowledging our feelings.  Right or wrong, admit they exist.  Then make choices that move you forward, not back.  This is where I believe the church could use some assistance.  You teach women to abstain.  To save themselves until marriage.  To stifle those feminine urges and wait until God has chosen your marriage partner.  Only then is it acceptable to embrace your sexuality.  That is…as long as your partner is of a different gender.  More on that in a later post.  Then, if a woman does “sin” it’s up to man to absolve her.  In the way that Jesus welcomed Mary Magdalene with open arms.  A woman viewed by others as a prostitute and a sinner.  It’s God-like for the Church to welcome sinners back into the fold.  But I question whether that was necessary to begin with.  Besides, my view of Mary Magdalene differs significantly from the teachings of the Catholic Church.

 

Male or female, adult or child, young or old…we are all on a spiritual journey.  We all struggle to intertwine both the good and bad within.  I am still searching for a religious organization that benefits me on a spiritual level.  I hope to find one but that won’t stop me from continuing to balance the emotional strength of Mother Mary with the woman called Mary Magdalena.

How depressing!

I attempted suicide when I was 15 years old.  Do I have your attention now?

Depression is a debilitating disease that sucks you in so deep that at times you can't even recognize yourself.  I spent most of my adolescent and young adult life struggling with my inner workings.  Wrapped in a cocoon of sadness and apathy.  I can completely understand how someone who hasn't witnessed or experienced depression first-hand can say, "Why didn't you just get over it?" or "Stop being overdramatic!"  But when you're in that moment of despair, when everything around you seems meaningless you are not concerned with other people.  Your thoughts are single-minded...MAKE IT STOP!  Please make all the pain go away.  Why can't I just be happy?  Why does everything need to be so hard? You become absorbed in your own perceived failings and overwhelmed at all the work that must be done to achieve any semblance of success.

But I write this post today for two reasons; first, to tell those who may be battling depression that there IS a light at the end of that tunnel even if it doesn't seem possible right now.  You hold on!  And second, to offer family and friends a little insight into the workings of depression and why this disease is so much more than about not being able to deal with life.  It's the overwhelming realization that you ARE living.

Perhaps that may be an odd statement to make...that the mere fact of being alive contributes to someone becoming depressed.  I am not an expert.  I have not studied psychology, sociology or any other kind of -ology pertaining to the mind.  But, my experiences and insights have provided me with a window into a deeper understanding of my spirituality.  And it is from that perspective in which I write this post.

For as long as I can recall there's been this resounding idea that there's so much more to living than day to day experiences.  That we focus on all that must be done in order to pay bills, take care of our family and provide shelter over our heads.  But when the time came for me to start focusing more on those aspects of life I found living more difficult.  It was inconsequential to me whether I cleaned my room or helped my parents with chores around the house.  How could that possibly be more important than nourishing that which fulfilled me on a spiritual level?  Like music, television shows, films, musicals or spending time with friends. At least, that's what I thought at the time.

All of the earthly responsibilities overwhelmed my yearning for something deeper, something more meaningful and something that actually had purpose.  I no longer consider myself a religious individual.  I don't practice any particular faith, but I do have a deep belief in those who seek to make the world better through civility, kindness, and open-minded perspectives.  For such a long time the world around me couldn't live up to the knowledge of a spiritual world.  Why would I want to live here when "eternal life" or a similar existence was possible and attainable?

I could not grasp hold of the idea that my goal was to make Heaven right here on Earth.  That through my actions, words and choices I was not only growing in my own spirituality but perhaps helping someone else as they struggled with theirs.  If I had succumbed to all the misery, sadness and unhappiness then there would've been so many missed experiences.  Like the marriages of my sisters and friends plus the birth of my niece and nephews.

When I finally realized that I need to find a balance between earthly activities that keep us progressing and a spirituality that needs to be consistently pampered then my life turned around.  But none of that would've been possible if I hadn't made a conscious choice to continue living.

If you or someone you know is battling depression and contemplating suicide, please do not hesitate in seeking help.  Visit the National Alliance on Mental Illness (http://www.nami.org/) for more information!


All the best,
Kelly