I never thought religion to be a dirty word, but it has
become such. By the very people who
claim to hold fast to its value. They
use it as a shield, as an excuse and even as a reason for their choices. Good or bad, mind you.
I’ve spent many years on both sides of that coin. Making what the general public would deem to
be good choices due to what was expected/taught from the religious sect that I
belonged to. And also, struggling to do
what I believe is right and just even though it veers from the teachings
engrained in my being.
So, I distanced myself from the Catholic Church. Not necessarily from Catholicism, but from
the organization that enforces its rules.
Overall, there are so many aspects of this religion that I find
inspiring, motivating and spirituality progressive. However, it’s the key issues where we
disagree and as such, I could no longer continue on that path. In good conscience, that is.
My view of Catholicism may seem rather counterintuitive to
their structure but it is nonetheless. I
loved the mysticism, the beauty, the magic of it all. The idea that there were spiritual beings
that could appear before you, unseen to anyone else. That Jesus could perform miracles, angels could
offer support and comfort, and saints could put in a good word for you. I absorbed the idea of hope, of treating
others with unconditional love and respect.
Of believing in the goodness of my neighbors and trusting that by
believing strongly enough all would turn out right.
I must stop here for a moment and state that I have NOT read
the Bible in full. I can’t quote
chapters to support my statements or counter the church’s teachings with
readings that they appear to twist to their own advantage. This writing exercise is intended to express
how Catholicism impacted (and continues to impact) my life today. What I seek to impart is my own point of view
because perhaps others may share it or find a new perspective on a long-held
belief.
I went to Mass every week, said my prayers diligently, took
all the applicable sacraments and embraced the title of “Catholic”. I linked my faith with the choices I made,
with the personality traits that I celebrated in myself. Goodness, kindness, forgiveness and hope. But there was always a disconnect between my
faith and religion when it came to the strongest of my positive attributes –
open-mindedness.
Catholicism re-enforced the idea of unconditional love for
all. That love was more powerful than
hate. To not pass judgment on
others. To live life to the best of my
ability and that those qualities that Jesus promoted would shine through me as
an example. But as I got into my young
adult years I started to pay closer attention to what was being asked of me. I admired, praised and worshipped the woman
known as the “Blessed Mother”. A woman
depicted as kind, nurturing, supportive and full of forgiveness. Her presence in the Catholic Church is
everywhere. She’s valued. Given a prominent place of importance. Yet I wondered why women were treated on such
an inferior level as men. To my
recollection, and the teachings I can recall, Jesus respected and valued
women. He lifted them up instead of
knocking them down. So why not recognize
the many gifts that the female sex has to offer in the development of your
faith?
I’m not going to rant about the fact that women are not
permitted to be priests or that reading options for Catholic wedding ceremonies
are about cattle and belonging to a man.
Instead, I pose the following question…are your interpretations of the
Bible stifling spiritual progression? I
am proud to be a woman of kindness, compassion, grace and hope. I welcome those aspects of myself. But at the same time I also have in-depth
questions that need answered.
I am a woman stuck between two worlds. Between the idea of a pure, virginal,
compassionate young lady and the one who experienced significant physical
connections. I struggled with what I
considered to be angelic and pure with the physical needs that seemed natural. I became incredibly embarrassed when members
of the opposite sex showed any kind of interest in me. I doubted my beauty. I saw a young lady who was pretty but not
gorgeous, angelic not sexy. It plagued
me to know the church only promoted one aspect of womanhood. That we were to suppress those natural
urges. That being proud of your body,
acknowledging the physical needs and expressing them were not only wrong but
against Jesus’ teaching.
Those beliefs affected so much of my life and how I viewed
myself. I embraced the part of myself
that’s entrenched in beauty, grace and compassion. I didn’t doubt for a moment that those
qualities are beneficial to the greater good, but when I started acknowledging
the woman within my spirituality flourished in a way it never had before. I felt connected to my body, my mind, my
spirit. Most importantly, I was
connected to God on a deeper and more profound level.
I don’t intend to imply that young girls should start
sleeping with everyone they come into contact with or act on all of their
sexual urges. Where we run into trouble
is not acknowledging our feelings. Right
or wrong, admit they exist. Then make
choices that move you forward, not back.
This is where I believe the church could use some assistance. You teach women to abstain. To save themselves until marriage. To stifle those feminine urges and wait until
God has chosen your marriage partner.
Only then is it acceptable to embrace your sexuality. That is…as long as your partner is of a
different gender. More on that in a
later post. Then, if a woman does “sin”
it’s up to man to absolve her. In the
way that Jesus welcomed Mary Magdalene with open arms. A woman viewed by others as a prostitute and
a sinner. It’s God-like for the Church
to welcome sinners back into the fold.
But I question whether that was necessary to begin with. Besides, my view of Mary Magdalene differs
significantly from the teachings of the Catholic Church.
Male or female, adult or child, young or old…we are all on a
spiritual journey. We all struggle to
intertwine both the good and bad within.
I am still searching for a religious organization that benefits me on a
spiritual level. I hope to find one but
that won’t stop me from continuing to balance the emotional strength of Mother
Mary with the woman called Mary Magdalena.