Friendship

I'm a horrible friend.  That's not a challenge or a call for compliments.  It's my own realization; one I had to come to in order to progress on an emotional and spiritual level.

When it comes right down to it I'm not the one you can count on in a pinch.  If I promise something I don't always deliver.  It's true.  Just ask my family and friends.  My own interests take priority sometimes.  Even as a child this was the case.  I remember distinctly the day when I chose watching my soap opera instead of paying attention to my friend.  That moment's ingrained in my memory.

Not to say I don't care about or support my friends; I do.  I go see dance recitals and theatre performances to cheer on my artistic friends.  Where there's an emergency or someone's truly struggling I'm there without hesitation or question.  Because those are the moments that matter.  I just don't always pay close enough attention to the little moments and how my inactions may reflect poorly on other's good opinion of me.

Sometimes, most times, I'm horrible at calling my friends back.  I hate the telephone; in pretty much every situation.  Really I do.  I'd much rather talk face to face or in the most desirable form of communication - written form.  There are some friends I haven't spoken with or seen in nearly a year primarily because I just don't call.  Why?  It's a cycle.  I don't call them back asap then the days turn to nights and before I know it a week's gone by.  Then I'm ashamed I haven't gotten back to them and am embarassed.  So I put off finding out whether or not they're annoyed with me.

I don't like to disappoint people; especially family and friends.  It ties me in knots just thinking that my actions may have caused hurt feelings in those I care about.  I wonder what they think of me.  Some, most, probably worry about me.  "Have you talked to Kelly lately?  I hope she's okay."

I've recently come to accept that we're defined by our actions.  I can be kind, speak politely and offer advice but when I don't follow through on what I say I'm going to do then that truly speaks volumes.

All the best,
Kelly

Disappointed in Bucks County

Sitting here at the Borders cafe in my local town I should be working on the second draft of my novel. I had intended to do so when I opened my laptop to write. But something within me kept pulling me to focus my attention elsewhere. So after I complete this post I'll venture on to exploring the world of fiction. Right now, I need a non-fiction break.

I've been wholly consumed with disappointment lately. On so many fronts. Disappointment in not only my fellow citizens but in those of governmental power. Not everyone, mind you, frustrates me lately. But a good amount do. It is those who choose to speak with disdain, hatred, and judgment that have infiltrated my goal of positive thinking.

This past year has encompassed many difficult challenges within my community. Political upsets, taxpayer disgust and economic strain have unleashed a fury of negative actions from those overwhelmed with a desire to vent. Understandably, we are all doing our best to deal with the circumstances we face every day. Some choose to act with care, kindness, decency and thoughfulness. Others allow their bitterness, anger, fear and need for self-preservation to reverberate their every action and words.

As a result, I have been bombarded with all the negativity swirling around my fellow Bucks Countians. I allowed their unhappiness to infiltrate my life. I didn't know how to vocalize my disagreement or frustration as to how they were handling the challenges we faced. I couldn't understand why so many people were blatantly callous, cruel and selfish toward others who were doing the best they could given the circumstances.

I've come to realize that my journey does not, and should not, be dependent on the actions of others. If they choose to live a life full of hate, misunderstanding and misery than it is up to them to rectify the way they live. I still shake my head when I hear someone complain with hatred in their tone, or want to tear up the paper when I read an editorial diatribe. "To each their own" I like to say. I may not always agree with someone else's opinion but I respect that we're all learning. How someone deals with the challenges they face differs with how I'd handle the same situation. Doesn't make me right and them wrong; or vice versa. It just makes us individually experiencing the ups and downs on this ride we call life.

All the best,
Kelly