Lightening my life

I've been thinking a lot about happiness. About what that truly means. How do I define joy and happiness in my life? There's this nagging disagreement within me that takes exception to the idea that one must endure grief, overcome difficulties and suffer pain in order to truly value life in all its glory.


And life is glorious indeed. At least, it should be. In my humble opinion. Why is it necessary to be miserable, grumpy and depressed in order to come out the other side a much thankful and joyous individual?


Have the difficulties I struggled with over the course of my life so far made me capable of reflecting upon these very issues? Or have I always had the capacity to do so? There's no way of knowing; of going back in time and predicting what my life would come to be. But I do know each choice in my life was a contributing factor to my own happiness level. I spent many years absorbed in misery, depression and malcontent. I desired so much for my life but didn't see a way to grab hold of it. To pursue my dreams of a fulfilling career, marriage based in respect and love, and a strong foundation of friends.


I kept wishing, wishing, wishing for more. For life to bestow something upon me. Instead of changing my mindset to recognize all that I already had. I chose the unhappiness because it was easier in many ways. Succumbing to the deep black hole of sadness that lived within my stomach was something I became accustomed to. I understood it. I embraced it. I kept it safe. I wrapped myself up in a cocoon, put on my headphones and sought help from a higher source. All the time whining about why my life was so hard. Why couldn't I get passed the misery, disappointment and cyclical ups and downs of life in order to be truly at peace and happy?


It took an unlikely situation of irrational fear for me to realize that I had a choice. A few years ago, after spending a year living on my own in a converted apartment I became afraid of turning on a light. No really. I did! After a minor electrical issue I was more comfortable keeping the lights turned off in my apartment. I was terrified of turning on the switch in the event that it would spark a fire. And so, I would stay out until it was time to go to bed, keep the lights off and curl up in my warm, comfy bed.

Needless to say, my unexplainable, frustrating, worrisome fear of electricity led to a family intervention of sorts. An in-depth discussion with my father, a reinforcing girl chat with my mother and sister, and a need to write out my frustrations were the catalysts to my realization that I was afraid of sparking the light in my own life. Afraid of actually achieving my dreams.


I could decide to live in regret, resentment and disappointment or treasure each moment. As I lay in my parent's bed staring at the ceiling my mother came in and simply said, "I'm really getting worried about you. This isn't right. You're lying here alone instead of sitting with your 3 year-old nephew and playing "Lite-Brights". Parden the pun, but a light bulb went off at that moment. I realized that my precious toddler age godson was living a life full of laughter, happiness and unconditional love while I sank deeper into my own self-inflicted depression.


Each day since I've made it a constant goal to be more aware of my life and how I perceive it. The world around me is a little brighter all because I make the choice to turn on the light!

All the best,
Kelly

A public service announcement

I am a product of the public school system; and very proud of that fact! I never had to wear a uniform, learn any specific theology, or endure unreasonable expectations. That's not to say that I loved every single part of the public school experience. I did not. My biggest complaint was the restrictions placed upon the students by the administration. It felt more of an obligation to go to school than a personal enhancement regimen.

I hated getting into trouble; which is odd because I so rarely did. I suppose it was more disappointment that bothered me more than anything else. I had the disorder known as "people pleasing" from a very early age. Once I arrived at Junior High School the disorder became more intense; yet at the same time it battled against my ever growing independence. It was about that time in my life when I realized that my opinions were valid, even though they were not always asked for. You become a teenage and all of a sudden the level of respect you receive severly diminishes. Why? I don't know. What I do know is that it bothered me beyond reason.

Once I got to high school the irrational rules and expectations placed upon the students by those in a decision making position was at a frustrating level. I distinctly remember receiving the Student Handbook one year, which was almost as thick as a Shakespeare anthology, and being told that you couldn't graduate unless you turned in the signed page showing you read the Handbook. Really? That determined my ability to graduate? That meant that I had achieved what was needed from an education standpoint? It was absolutely ridiculous to me, but I signed the silly thing; without reading it.

I have a great respect and admiration for those who choose education as their chosen profession. I have from a very early age. At this point in my life I am surrounded by teachers in my private life. Numerous family members and dear friends are among those who work so tirelessly to impart wisdom, education and opportunity to the future generations. I loved my teachers, from a child's perspective. I didn't always like the teaching style of all of my professors but I respected their position. Their hard work and dedication to their craft impressed me and demanded my affection. Just as in any other line of work, there are always those who lose track of why they ended up in the career they're in now. You can easily become disillusioned, feel unimportant and disrespected despite the passion you have for the job you do. Teachers are not alone in that plight.

It wasn't until I CHOSE to continue my education on a university level that I realized why I disliked my high school experience so much. And it had nothing to do with my teachers; it was the self-serving, afraid of lawsuits, taxpayer pleasing administrators who treated the students as inferior that riled me up so much. In college, I didn't have to raise my hand or ask for a hall pass in order to use the rest room. I simply would get up quietly, leave the room and return just as unobtrusively as I left. Yes, it's possible! I also was responsible for my attendence, and subsequently what I put into my education I received two-fold. I so wish, looking back, that I had been treated with the same level of trust and respect in high school that I received in my college years.

What do I value most about my public school education? The diversity; among the students, the teachers and the subjects. I went to school to strengthen my education, not to socialize. That was a bonus! It was up to me whether I succeeded or not. And my definition of success may have differed from others. I failed in high school because I didn't have the confidence to speak up and voice my opinion when I felt it could improve the situation. I succeeded in college because I understood that it was up to me to detemine my own path in life.

Workshopping

Hello to all my followers (aka me, myself and I)!

It's been quite some time since I last posted to my blog. That's not to say I have not been writing though. I have been. And quite fervently for that matter. I've been working on my novel, forming a non profit corporation and organizing/faciliating writing workshops.

Not to mention that I started a part-time job last month. Unfortunately, due to the nature of our economy and health insurance necessity I am still in search of a full-time position. Oh, to make my living doing what I love! Why can't I? I doubted for many years the realistic opportunity of following my instincts when it came to a career. I didn't believe I could make a living out of writing, singing or any other entertainment focused interest.

It's just been within the last year that I came to the realization that the only thing holding me back was me! If I continued believing I couldn't make a career out of my passionate, creative interests then I only had myself to blame. I had to take a step back, re-examine my point of view and embrace the soulfulness within.

Art has always and will always be the connecting link between my physical existence and my spiritual growth. Music, writing, film, television and musical theatre have been my salvation; my source of strength and indentity for so many years. But I never understood the reason I relied upon these entertainment outlets instead of the "real life" avenues which were more acceptable.

Art therapy and music therapy are well represented in this society for their beneficial assistance to others. Yet, my belief that art is not only beneficial but necessary for spiritual growth has not been examined; so far as I can tell anyway.

And so...I keep shopping around for the career best suited to that which I am looking to achieve. A life full of laughter, joy, purpose and creative expression. To feel fulfilled even during difficult times. To be surrounded by people who offer support, strength, love and laughter. To be respected for my insights, opinions and motivation while still yearning to learn all that I can.

Best wishes!

Disappointed in Bucks County

Sitting here at the Borders cafe in my local town I should be working on the second draft of my novel. I had intended to do so when I opened my laptop to write. But something within me kept pulling me to focus my attention elsewhere. So after I complete this post I'll venture on to exploring the world of fiction. Right now, I need a non-fiction break.

I've been wholly consumed with disappointment lately. On so many fronts. Disappointment in not only my fellow citizens but in those of governmental power. Not everyone, mind you, frustrates me lately. But a good amount do. It is those who choose to speak with disdain, hatred, and judgment that have infiltrated my goal of positive thinking.

This past year has encompassed many difficult challenges within my community. Political upsets, taxpayer disgust and economic strain have unleashed a fury of negative actions from those overwhelmed with a desire to vent. Understandably, we are all doing our best to deal with the circumstances we face every day. Some choose to act with care, kindness, decency and thoughfulness. Others allow their bitterness, anger, fear and need for self-preservation to reverberate their every action and words.

As a result, I have been bombarded with all the negativity swirling around my fellow Bucks Countians. I allowed their unhappiness to infiltrate my life. I didn't know how to vocalize my disagreement or frustration as to how they were handling the challenges we faced. I couldn't understand why so many people were blatantly callous, cruel and selfish toward others who were doing the best they could given the circumstances.

I've come to realize that my journey does not, and should not, be dependent on the actions of others. If they choose to live a life full of hate, misunderstanding and misery than it is up to them to rectify the way they live. I still shake my head when I hear someone complain with hatred in their tone, or want to tear up the paper when I read an editorial diatribe. "To each their own" I like to say. I may not always agree with someone else's opinion but I respect that we're all learning. How someone deals with the challenges they face differs with how I'd handle the same situation. Doesn't make me right and them wrong; or vice versa. It just makes us individually experiencing the ups and downs on this ride we call life.

All the best,
Kelly

Drafting

The first draft is done!!!!!! And was completed by July 4th. Now, I've given myself 3 months to review, revise and revisit (?) draft#2.

Accomplishing that goal felt absolutely magnificent and for about a week I didn't pick it back up again. When I finally did, I found a chapter that needing tweaking and went to work. An idea came rather quickly that helped clarify a primary conflict in the story.

I truly love the revision process! I don't mind criticiques or constructive criticism one bit. I'd much rather have someone tell me what needs fixing or clarification now then have readers confused and frustrated later on.

So, here I go along the next path in my novel writing venture.

Best wishes,
Kelly

Independence

July 4th; a day full of celebration, good food, parades and fireworks! I look forward to this particular holiday every year. In celebrating the birth of the nation I call home there's a complex mixture of honor, pride, sadness and grief when I think about all the progress won after much despair. Acknowledging the hardships our ancestors encountered in the fight for independence makes me look at my own life and the choices I've made.

One of the major reasons I look forward to the 4th of July this year is due to a self-imposed goal. I've been working on a novel that has provided me with much inspiration and a few difficulties along the year and a half journey so far. I've spent so many years starting writing projects that stemmed from an image or idea that wouldn't let go until I wrote it down. However, it was a rare situation indeed when I my initial inspiration led to a completed work. The novel I'm working on now started from a single image and has flourished into a piece of art that keeps my interest every day. Sure I've had my fair share of stuck moments when I couldn't figure out what my protagnist's motivation was or how to transition into the next chapter...but I've learned not to force the progress. What I've created so far holds too much value for me to rush it.

That being said, I am about 85% complete the first draft. There are just a few more tweaks to be done and transitions to input before I can send out the completed manuscript to friends and family for review. My self-imposed first draft completion date of July 4th, 2010 has motivated me each and every day to reach my goal. And reach it I shall!

So on this Independence Day I will be celebrating with family and friends while knowing that I have started along a path all my own; independently!

All the best,
Kelly

More or less

• I do not wish others less simply because I may have more.


• I do not wish unemployment on someone simply because I may be without a job.


• I do not wish a person who is well-off to lose money simply because I am struggling financially.


• I do not wish imprisionment on anyone simply because I long for freedom.


• I do not wish a woman to be childless simply because I have no children.


• I do not wish a healthy person to fall ill simply because I feel sick.


• I do not wish sorrow upon someone else simply because I may be grieving.


• I do not wish a joyful individual to know pain simply because I feel hurt.


• I do not wish heartache upon someone simply because I may be lonely.

Instead....

• I wish that all may know joy, compassion, forgiveness and most of all...love.


• That we, as individuals, start treating each other with more respect, kindness and understanding.


• That we all stop deflecting our worries, fears and issues upon those who do not share them.


• That we focus more on improving our own intellectual, emotional and spiritual needs while recognizing that everyone else is doing the same.

All the best!
Kelly