How depressing!

I attempted suicide when I was 15 years old.  Do I have your attention now?

Depression is a debilitating disease that sucks you in so deep that at times you can't even recognize yourself.  I spent most of my adolescent and young adult life struggling with my inner workings.  Wrapped in a cocoon of sadness and apathy.  I can completely understand how someone who hasn't witnessed or experienced depression first-hand can say, "Why didn't you just get over it?" or "Stop being overdramatic!"  But when you're in that moment of despair, when everything around you seems meaningless you are not concerned with other people.  Your thoughts are single-minded...MAKE IT STOP!  Please make all the pain go away.  Why can't I just be happy?  Why does everything need to be so hard? You become absorbed in your own perceived failings and overwhelmed at all the work that must be done to achieve any semblance of success.

But I write this post today for two reasons; first, to tell those who may be battling depression that there IS a light at the end of that tunnel even if it doesn't seem possible right now.  You hold on!  And second, to offer family and friends a little insight into the workings of depression and why this disease is so much more than about not being able to deal with life.  It's the overwhelming realization that you ARE living.

Perhaps that may be an odd statement to make...that the mere fact of being alive contributes to someone becoming depressed.  I am not an expert.  I have not studied psychology, sociology or any other kind of -ology pertaining to the mind.  But, my experiences and insights have provided me with a window into a deeper understanding of my spirituality.  And it is from that perspective in which I write this post.

For as long as I can recall there's been this resounding idea that there's so much more to living than day to day experiences.  That we focus on all that must be done in order to pay bills, take care of our family and provide shelter over our heads.  But when the time came for me to start focusing more on those aspects of life I found living more difficult.  It was inconsequential to me whether I cleaned my room or helped my parents with chores around the house.  How could that possibly be more important than nourishing that which fulfilled me on a spiritual level?  Like music, television shows, films, musicals or spending time with friends. At least, that's what I thought at the time.

All of the earthly responsibilities overwhelmed my yearning for something deeper, something more meaningful and something that actually had purpose.  I no longer consider myself a religious individual.  I don't practice any particular faith, but I do have a deep belief in those who seek to make the world better through civility, kindness, and open-minded perspectives.  For such a long time the world around me couldn't live up to the knowledge of a spiritual world.  Why would I want to live here when "eternal life" or a similar existence was possible and attainable?

I could not grasp hold of the idea that my goal was to make Heaven right here on Earth.  That through my actions, words and choices I was not only growing in my own spirituality but perhaps helping someone else as they struggled with theirs.  If I had succumbed to all the misery, sadness and unhappiness then there would've been so many missed experiences.  Like the marriages of my sisters and friends plus the birth of my niece and nephews.

When I finally realized that I need to find a balance between earthly activities that keep us progressing and a spirituality that needs to be consistently pampered then my life turned around.  But none of that would've been possible if I hadn't made a conscious choice to continue living.

If you or someone you know is battling depression and contemplating suicide, please do not hesitate in seeking help.  Visit the National Alliance on Mental Illness (http://www.nami.org/) for more information!


All the best,
Kelly

TV snob

Television show snobbery does exist; and I knowingly partake in this particular sort of bias.

My criteria for a great TV show differs from those who have a say in the industry's nominations.  I don't follow the norm, or watch a certain program because it's the "must-see" program.  The shows I spend time watching on a regular basis are ones that move me in some way.  At times, it's the characters who are so interesting, complex and identifiable that I can't help but be invested in following their story.  Other times, the ingenious writing and story idea inspires me on a creative level; creating an underlying level of respect for those involved.

I tend to disagree with award show nominations when it comes to the television and film industry.  The ones the critics praise may be of extraordinary talent but most of them I've never watched nor cared to.  I'll admit there's even a little bit of stubbornness too; if you tell me something's great and I don't see what all the fuss is about I'm less likely to tune in!

Here's just a few of the shows (both currently on the air and ones that have left an indelible impression) that didn't receive award recognition but have not only my appreciation and praise but that of so many others...

• "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" - Well written, brilliantly acted and full of depth and creative inspiration.  The title may leave you saying, "Um, no thank you" but you'd be missing out on incredible television programming.  This show had everything I believed a great program should...strong, complex characters, witty dialogue, innovative storytelling and consistent excellence in their medium.
• "NCIS" - Still putting out new episodes, this unconventional drama series doesn't fit into the mold of the standard cop, lawyer, hospital themed programs. The interaction of the characters, witty dialogue and interspersing of comedy elements make this one show I look forward to watching each week.  The most disappointing part of "NCIS" not receiving it's due critical praise is the exceptional talent of it's actors. Performers who balance both drama and comedy equally well; without coming off cliche or one dimensional.
• "Smash" - The first time I saw a preview for this show I knew without question I'd be tuning in! It stars Katherine McPhee (who I voted for in "American Idol"), Megan Hilty (who I read great things about in the Broadway world), Christina Borle (who I saw in "Spamalot" and "Legally Blonde; the musical") and the brilliant Debra Messing (the "Sound of Music" singalong episode from "Will & Grace" is still my all-time favorite). A musical theatre fan at heart of course I'd be watching with anticipation.  And I wasn't disappointed.  The episodes kept getting better and better and I watched thinking "I can absolutely see Katherine McPhee and Megan Hilty getting award nominations for their work." Alas, while the Primetime Emmys recognized the show's achievement in choreography, music and guest acting neither Kat's nor Megan's name was among the nominees.

There are plenty of other television programs that I enjoy watching for the sheer entertainment factor.  I support shows that take me throw a gamut of emotions; often times during the same episode.  I root for the characters, look forward to the next episode and in a world full of watching shows whenever you feel like I relish the anticipation of waiting to see what happens next!

Fill That Glass!

I consider myself to be a “glass half-full” type of person. I’m optimistic, hopeful and generally believe in the goodness of others. That being said, or written to be more precise, there have been many instances where I regret the choices I made. Granted, those choices led me along a path that brought to where I am now but holding onto all these regrets have caused me to doubt the joy, happiness and confidence of the person I am today.

For example, I’m an entertainment girl. Through and through. With every fiber of my being, every beat of my heart and every molecule of my aura I am an artist. I sing. I write. I adore musical theatre. I will willingly choose sitting down and watching a TV show rather than read a book. I relish the enjoyment, artistry and creative stimulation these forms of entertainment bring to my life. For so long I devalued them. I believed the generalizations from others that my affinity for these types of superficial interests held no merit for a career, or any other long-term life planning. And so, I chose a different path despite the ache inside that yearned for me to listen to the artist within.

I hate money. I do. Really! Okay, so maybe I’m being slightly overdramatic. What can I say? I am a daytime drama fan. But seriously, issues of financial stability have plagued me since my high school years. Finding a career path that led to a stable future was promoted in lieu of being emotionally, spiritually and mindfully fulfilled? I listened to the opinions freely offered informing me that sometimes you had to take a job to earn money even though you may not like it. Who needs to be happy in what they do anyway? At least you’re bringing in money, right? Even as a teenager I knew there was something flawed in that line of thinking. Why would anyone willingly choose such misery? How is that productive? If, in fact, we only have one life to live (told you I was a soap fan) then why spend so much time and energy in a path so cut off from what you truly desire?

I've been on both ends of those extremes and I've been much happier pursuing that which brings me happiness, fulfillment and excitement.  When I stopped being so wrapped up in the negativity of "I'll never be a professional writer" I found ways to write simply for myself.  And eventually when I followed my instincts I opened myself up to new opportunities; including employment as a writer!

I spent way too much time being upset, frustrated and miserable but that was of my own choosing.  I choose now to embrace my creative interests and their importance in my life.  Because after all, it's up to me to fill my own glass!

Ne-SHAME-iny

**DISCLAIMER: In today's society you need to state the obvious...my opinions, viewpoints and comments are my own.  They do not reflect the opinions of anyone other than myself.  If you disagree with any of the following then I welcome your respectful, intelligent and constructive feedback.**

Neshaminy School Board, how you disappoint me.  Let me count the ways!

1. CHILDISH BEHAVIOR: Then again that's an insult to children so I'll re-phrase - Stop your whining, complaining, crossing of your arms and stomping of your feet and general malcontent.  Grow up and perform the job you were elected to do without the "they started it" or "well, because I said so" responses.
2. DEFLECTION:  Stop changing the subject.  We're talking about the jobs of your valued employees not mere pawns in your struggle to balance a budget.  Deal with the issues at hand and do so with grace, respect, dignity and complete honesty.
3. SHOW, DON'T TELL:  Stop running to the press with every new development, or lack thereof.  Because most of the "developments" are examples of your own stalling tactics.  Halt the inclination to seek acceptance from the general public, aka taxpayers.  If you focus instead on the task at hand then your actions will speak for themselves. Case in point, the recent suggestion that the negotitations be videotaped because the NFT's methods are "toxic".  That may be the case but instead of reporting so to the press why not address the situation, figure out how you can improve upon it, and enact change.
4. FOLLOWING:  Stop re-acting.  A leader is someone who steps up in a time of need.  An individual or group who seeks to unite not divide.  Someone who can look at a situation, evaluate what's working and what needs improvement, communicate solutions and do it all without anger, hatred or bias.
5. JOB PERFORMANCE:  Do the job you were elected to do and do it well.  If you are unable to give ample amounts of your time, dedication and passion then step aside and let someone else fill that void.  We all have multiple labels we live by; parents, children, volunteers, employees and bosses. I applaud your initiative in wanting to represent the Neshaminy School District but if you are unable to give it the time and attention it's due then you are not only doing a disservice to yourself but to us all.

We are all members of the Neshaminy community.  So instead of lashing out at one another we need to seek a resolution now!  One that's fair and built on equality, respect and value.

When parents, taxpayers and the school board unite in opposition to the educators within their district they are instigating discord.  They are teaching the children that it's acceptable to treat professional as inferiors, without the right to be valued both financially and publicly for the work they do.  I typically do not find merit in comparing the salaries of others but if you find it acceptable to pay a professional athlete, actor or musician a boatload of money yet have issues with paying teachers a fair salary I recommend re-evaluating your position. Is the response based on their job performance or how the result impacts you in the short term?

If any employer treated me with as much disrespect as the Neshaminy School Board has done to the teachers in their district you'd better believe I'd be standing up for myself and for the rights of my fellow co-workers!  I applaud the teachers in the Neshaminy School District, whether they are actively participating in the union or struggling to figure out where they stand.  The work you do matters.  At least it matters to me!

All the best,
Kelly

Great News - ies!

When I was 15 years old I saw a film that would become one of my all-time favorites!  And not just because it had a cast of good-looking, teenage actors.  Watching "Newsies" on-screen made me smile, had me singing, and dreaming I could dance.

In a time before digital downloads and even CDs I listened to the movie's soundtrack again, and again, and again.  My friend and I even used a good old fashioned tape recorder and recorded the songs while watching the movie.  That way, we had the versions with the speaking parts included.

Fast-forward 20 years and now there's a stage adaptation of this entertaining story.  From the moment I heard the show was opening on Broadway I knew I had to see it.  I anxiously awaited news (pun intended) from the theatre websites on how the show was developing and when it would be opening.  Then it got nominated for a slew of awards!  Not to get all "hoity toity" but I felt a sort of pride in the show's recognition.  It's an amazing story with great music and quite fitting for the stage!

For those of you who may not be familiar with "Newsies" here's a brief synopsis...In 1899, the newsboys of New York stand up and fight for their rights against mighty publishing giants, Joseph Pulitzer and William Randolph Hearst. As they find their voice (not just musically mind you) they speak for not only their fellow newsies but for the rights of children workers everywhere!

With music from the genius Alan Menken, lyrics from the exceptionally talented Jack Feldman and a book by Harvey Fierstein, this production of "Newsies" excels on many levels.  From the set design to the brilliant choreography, "Newsies" lets the story lead the way.  All of the pieces working together to create a powerful production.  I'd be remiss not to mention the extremely gifted cast including the range of Broadway newcomers like Ben Fankhauser ("Davey") and Kara Lindsay ("Katherine").  As "Jack Kelly", Jeremy Jordan holds our attention, has us cheering him on and understanding the struggles his character faces.

The movie's worth watching, partly to see Christian Bale singing and dancing but because of the catchy music and amazing choreography from Kenny Ortega.  Then, go see the show on Broadway!  It'll be a couple of hours that'll leave you cheering, humming and smiling.  But even more than that, there's a certain pride in what makes our country unique.  Joining together to fight for a cause that we believe in.  Standing up for one another even when told there's no hope.  Ultimately believing that decency, equality and communication are possible!

For more information on the Broadway musical, visit www.newsiesthemusical.com

All the best,
Kelly

Friendship

I'm a horrible friend.  That's not a challenge or a call for compliments.  It's my own realization; one I had to come to in order to progress on an emotional and spiritual level.

When it comes right down to it I'm not the one you can count on in a pinch.  If I promise something I don't always deliver.  It's true.  Just ask my family and friends.  My own interests take priority sometimes.  Even as a child this was the case.  I remember distinctly the day when I chose watching my soap opera instead of paying attention to my friend.  That moment's ingrained in my memory.

Not to say I don't care about or support my friends; I do.  I go see dance recitals and theatre performances to cheer on my artistic friends.  Where there's an emergency or someone's truly struggling I'm there without hesitation or question.  Because those are the moments that matter.  I just don't always pay close enough attention to the little moments and how my inactions may reflect poorly on other's good opinion of me.

Sometimes, most times, I'm horrible at calling my friends back.  I hate the telephone; in pretty much every situation.  Really I do.  I'd much rather talk face to face or in the most desirable form of communication - written form.  There are some friends I haven't spoken with or seen in nearly a year primarily because I just don't call.  Why?  It's a cycle.  I don't call them back asap then the days turn to nights and before I know it a week's gone by.  Then I'm ashamed I haven't gotten back to them and am embarassed.  So I put off finding out whether or not they're annoyed with me.

I don't like to disappoint people; especially family and friends.  It ties me in knots just thinking that my actions may have caused hurt feelings in those I care about.  I wonder what they think of me.  Some, most, probably worry about me.  "Have you talked to Kelly lately?  I hope she's okay."

I've recently come to accept that we're defined by our actions.  I can be kind, speak politely and offer advice but when I don't follow through on what I say I'm going to do then that truly speaks volumes.

All the best,
Kelly

Taking Sides

Taking sides. We all do at some point. Maybe not to an extreme but we have opinions that can sometimes lead to passionate points of view.


You’re either Pro-Choice or Pro-Life, Republican or Democrat, part of a union or the organization that holds the purse strings. Our society, in general, is a very vocal one. We don’t hold back from speaking our mind. I applaud those who don’t shy away from issues of differing opinion. What I don’t agree with is the apparent belief that inflicting verbal, physical or mental harm on someone else simply because your points of view don’t match is acceptable. It is not; in any way, shape or form.

I do not deny that I feel passionately about certain subjects. I’ve picked sides and I still do. I’ve chosen a political viewpoint that reflects the ideals I hold most precious. And there are absolutely times when I cringe when I find out a friend or colleague may be of an opposing political affiliation. But that moment passes and I’m left with the knowledge that whatever our differences may be we are fundamentally the same. We have goals, wishes, hopes, strengths and hurdles to overcome.

That’s not to say that the side we choose does not have meaning. It does. Our beliefs and actions matter to us. Otherwise we wouldn’t be so adamant and passionate about those opinions we vocalize. So to say that your political views, social interactions or position on human rights issues doesn’t somehow reflect who you are…I ask “How could it not?” The choices we make define us. Sometimes to our benefit but other times to a fault.

I tend to gravitate more to those who share my ethical, moral, religious and political ideologies. These individuals are people whose actions, beliefs and personality types inspire me and comfort me; Individuals who believe in climate change and do what they can to make a difference. Those who fight to free those imprisoned by violence, bigotry or cruelty. Community members who choose to offer support, kindness and respect even when they themselves are struggling. These are the people I admire. The ones that I feel a kinship with.

You only have to read interviews from opposing sides to realize that they appear to be on completely different worlds. They aren’t always fighting about the same issue. They aren’t anywhere near one another in understanding, respect and forward thinking. They both believe their opinion is the right one and NO ONE will dissuade them otherwise. In their minds they are correct and those who disagree – merely misguided. I suppose that’s why it’s called extreme.

What’s most perplexing, and rather disturbing, to me is the lack of communication; respectful communication. You may feel strongly about an issue whether it’s protecting the environment, child poverty or human trafficking. You get all riled up and motivated to speak your mind, desperately wanting someone else to hear what you have to say. And rightly so. Your opinion matters – and not only to you.

Our society strengthens when we, as a community, choose honest discourse. When we are able to sit across from one another and have open communication without the need to start a food fight. I’m opposed to hunting. I find it deplorable, despicable and down right cruel. But, I have family members and ancestors who partake in this activity. While I disagree vehemently with their choice of action I respect that it theirs to make. Instead of sulking, holding resentment or badmouthing them at every turn I choose to use written communication as my way of opening dialogue. All that I can’t find the words to say when face to face with controversy I can express fluidly through my writings.

My opinions, actions and writings say a great deal about that which I care about. It’s not all that defines me but it’s a pretty big part.